How To Confront Someone You Love, About Something They Love, That Is Killing Them

In the last ten days, I've been dramatically reminded of how God uses our brokenness to redeem us.  He can't do a damn thing with us when we're convinced that we know best, that we can do it all on our own.  But, as Paul writes, "he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.'" (2 Corinthians 12-9).

I confronted my mother the only way I could: in my own brokenness and my own weakness.  In their own separate ways, my dad and siblings did the same. What came out of it was incredible grace.

My mom became receptive, open, childlike.  She listened.  She wept. She understood, with terribly seriousness, that everything must change now.  She was frightened of having to learn to do everything a new way, but she was brave.  She knew that she had been given a wake-up call and a chance to reinvent that may not come again, and she committed to heed it.

So I can't say I know how to fix something broken, but I have learned a little about how to gently show up for your loved one and then get the hell out of God's way so he can do the heavy lifting (perhaps through you.)

1. Pray
I prayed with every way I know how.  I prayed alone, with S., and with the kids.  I asked other folks for prayer too.

2. Talk about it
Talking about it with family, friends and even acquaintances (thanks, guy working out next to me on Pier 2 last week!) let me know I wasn't alone.  It emboldened me, made me accountable so I wouldn't chicken out, and let me hear how angry and petty and self-centered I sounded.

3. Come From Love
All that talking helped me clear away the mental brush away.  After all the "she shoulds" and all the rest of the baggage from the "I-know mind" were gone, what was left was love. 

4. Go One at a Time
My dad, my brother, my sister and I each had private conversations with my mom over a number of days.  I think this gave her time to process each person's input and made each experience intimate and even sweet, rather than a judgmental pack attack. 

5. Be Honest
I simply told my mom what was in my heart.  I told her how scared I was of having to be a mommy without her around to be my mommy.  I cried.  There was nothing for her to defend against, just a daughter opening up to her mother.  And -- pure grace -- a mother hearing.