A Jewel on the BART Train

Yesterday I met a woman who totally inspired me.   I don't know her first name, so I'll call her Jewel after the Proverbs 31 woman.  She reminded me of the woman I aspire to be: strong, dignified, wise, happy...

I recognized Jewel's husband first, because he and I were in a small group together at the First Pres new members class.  As I approached the couple on the Embarcadero station platform, he was looked at me as if I might be dangerous.  Based on my first emotional small group experience, he may believe I'm hysterical.

But by then it was too late to pretend I hadn't seen them, so I charged blithely in and told him how beautifully the chorus sang at the 5:05 last week.  Jewel seemed delighted that I had joined them. The train arrived, and as we all stood together, Jewel and I began to chat about her pregnancy.  She's six months along with their first.

I was struck by several things she said in a laughing, matter-of-fact, offhand manner:

• "Once you pay for childcare, then you're making like three dollars an hour more than you're paying, so it really doesn't make sense for us..."
• "We were really focusing on, you know, making a baby..."
• "We don't have enough money saved for that...."
• "So I think he'll stay home with the baby..."
• "We're trusting God to provide..."
• "And there's no way we could afford...."
• "One good thing about having kids when you're old is...."

I kept glancing at her husband to see whether he was okay with all this.  He nodded along, contented and approving.   Wow,  I thought.  She's completely comfortable talking about all this! Money shortages, age, lack of employment, childcare struggles, difficulty conceiving... imagine talking like that and not caring what anyone thought!

Well, when your worth is in Christ and not in your ego, of course you're free to talk like that. When you know the peace that surpasses understanding, who cares what some woman on BART thinks about your bank account or the childcare arrangements you've made? More to the point: if I'm a Christian, why do I care? 

The contrast between Jewel's manner of speaking and mine brought home to me I probably come across. Specifically:

• I often talk about parenting in an ungrateful, eye-rolling tone, even though I know damn well my children are a blessing and a privilege.
• Subtle references to status and wealth seem to sneak into everything I say: the neighborhood where we live.  The town I'm from.  That I'd had and rejected the option of being a stay at home mom. 
• I cringe at mentions of money or, even more so, the lack of it.  Not because I haven't experienced it, but because I'm still clinging to a belief that it's taboo to discuss it.

I have so much to learn about the strength and integrity of being truly yourself in Christ instead of compulsively seeking others' approval.  (No wonder Jewel's husband appears terrified of me.)

When Jewel flashed that calm, confident grin and told me they were trusting in God to provide, I said, "I wasn't a Christian when I became a mom.  So you're way ahead of where I was."

And where I still am.